Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.