Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor