Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
