Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
no exceptions
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
This is enough internet for the day.
Its true…
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic