me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
This made me chuckle.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”