Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.