Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Batman v Dracula

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

uncle dave has been through hell

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?