Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there