me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You Might Also Like
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio