me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.