Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
What?
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Okay
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it