Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock