Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
You Might Also Like
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.