Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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This bar smells like my childhood.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
🌱🌱🌱
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?