Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore