Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Saw this yesterday lol

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

That time Alicia messaged me

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have