Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes