@carlyken

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

@Jake_Vig

Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day