Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day