Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks