Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy