Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids