Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.