Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.