Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”