Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Bear knowledge

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.