Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?