Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―