Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex