Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

oh you like nyc? name every rat

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*