Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

mood

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that