Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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