Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”