Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
You Might Also Like
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*checks Timeline*…
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was