Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.