Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

If you breakdance you buy dance.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Discuss

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

This hospital has everything

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

english majors be like furthermore

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.