Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*