ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Help Wanted
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.