ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
You Might Also Like
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.