ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.