Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.