Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Stop.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Seems legit.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do