me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay