Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Ugh but profoundly