Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body