When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume