Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

money maker

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.