Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If I ignore life will it go away?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
giddy up Office Depot
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.