Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
this is me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me in a relationship:
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.