Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.