Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.