Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
🙂🐾
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.