Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

How does one answer this?

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Mad Max: Furry Road

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

I’m ready for Halloween this year

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.