Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
You have been warned.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.