me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
This is why I hate group projects
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
181.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans