me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain