me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.