Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
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being a writer on Twitter:
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.