Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Hoping to spice up my evening

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him