Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Leaving the Barbers like
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?