Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
This is why I hate group projects
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)