Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb