ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.