ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.