Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.