ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man