ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
🤣
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
🤝
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Bro what is this
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.