ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?