Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one