Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
What the hell happened here.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house