Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Unexpected Judgment
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon