Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
😭😭
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.