Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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Math at Halloween.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps