Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.