Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Alexa; make it look like an accident

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Lmao

every single time

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one