Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My plans: 2020:
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.